Iona delays mailroom opening due to supplies being lost in mail
The staff for the new mailroom is still scratching their heads about how all of the supplies they ordered could have gone missing.
April 4, 2019
*Disclaimer: This article is part of the Ionian’s April Fool’s issue and is meant solely to be a joke * Happy April Fool’s!
Iona is struggling to get the new mailroom located on North Avenue up and running after all of the equipment and supplies for the mailroom got lost in the mail. This setback was unexpected by the college, which aimed to have everything ready to go by the fall semester of 2018.
Administrators at Iona are trying to pinpoint the direct cause for the loss of furniture, letters and even personal items ordered by the mailroom staff themselves. One of the staff members, Eric Bailey, who is known as “E-Bay” to his friends, was not happy with the issue.
“I can’t believe this,” Bailey said. “I ordered a package of deluxe, one-of-a-kind mailing stickers from Amazon months ago, and still haven’t gotten them. How are we expected to open a mailroom when none of our supplies have been delivered?”
Other staff members came together to write stern, professional complaints via email to the mail service that was meant to deliver everything – the U.S. Postal Service. After trying to contact the company via email ourselves, we were told with an automatic reply that our email got lost in the mail.
USPS Mail Coordinator Nona Yubizness released a statement on the issue for anyone concerned.
“Look, as a national mail service company, we’re real busy here,” Yubizness said in the statement. “Why can’t anyone at the college help us out? With a slogan like ‘Move The World,’ surely they can help chip in.”
Yubizness continued in the statement that the USPS could help more if the tracking number for the massive order was provided. Iona mail room employees smacked their heads in unison as they realized that tracking numbers were a thing. One of the employees, Scott Abrayn, seemed the most disappointed in himself for forgetting.
“It’s disappointing when the answer is right in front of your face,” Abrayn said. “Man, sometimes, I can be a real scatterbrain.”
Iona aims to punch in that tracking number whenever they can get to it. Until then, the mailroom workers will continue to send sternly-worded emails to the USPS, much to Yubizness’ chagrin.
