Iona to increase scaffolding to look more like NYC

Abigail Rapillo, News Editor

*Disclaimer: This article is part of the Ionian’s April Fool’s issue and is meant solely to be a joke * Happy April Fool’s!


Iona has always appreciated its close proximity to New York City and advertises the internships and other opportunities available in the Big Apple for Iona students. However, Iona now wants to look more like New York City as well.

“I saw the green scaffolding in front of Spellman and thought it was a good design choice,” freshman Scaffe Holding said. “I was looking at schools last year and Iona was the only school outside of the city moving towards this ambitious design choice.”

Iona College Admissions Officer Bernie Bernssaid that so many visiting students loved the scaffolding that he went to the Board of Trustees asking to make it permanent.

Matt L. Medahl, who donated money to renovate the business school, jumped on board immediately.

“Medahl said that he wanted the money he donated to be redirected,” Berns said. “He said that the steel supports, which were supposed to be the frame of the new building, should be spray-painted green and left as studs. He listens to the needs of the college and does everything he can to make our ideas into realities.”

Lint Hymns, the other major donor of Iona, was less enthusiastic about the plan. Lulu Lemon, vice provost of student affairs, said that Hymns wanted Iona to have its own unique architecture.

“Hymns was worried that if we tried to make campus look like a city street, Iona runs the risk of losing its identity as a school,” Lemon said. “Hymns was very intent on preserving the Iona essence.”

“Hymns came around to the idea by the end of the meeting,” Berns added. “He just loves Iona and wants what is best for us as a school.”

Construction has been halted on both Spellman Hall and the School of Business, and efforts will be made to make the walkways look more authentic to the New York motif. Scaffolding will be added to more buildings before the end of the semester in May, including McSpedon Hall, Cornelia Hall and Loftus Hall.

Iona College President Sir Patrick Stewart said that he was excited for new greenery to be added to the campus.

“The color scheme of this prestigious school is moving too much in the way of red and white,” Stewart said in a speech to the campus. “We need more green.”

Students have had mixed reactions to the announcement. Some support the idea, while others question the efficacy of such an architecture style.

“I grew up on a ranch in Greenwich, so I think the addition of more natural tones would benefit the school,” junior Grier Green said. “Yes, I know it will be metal, but it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?”

“I wish I could make a cake made out of rainbows and smiles—” a blond girl said to a reporter before she was chased away by a boy in a blue hoodie calling out, “She doesn’t even go here!”

“I think the scaffolding will be a danger to students,” senior and president of the Iona MOMS club, Lori Susan-Karen said. “What if the scaffolding falls? Or if a student runs into it? Or if I trip over it on my way to Starbucks? I cannot have it getting in the way of my non-fat caramel mocha macchiato with oat milk.”

Susan-Karen said she wanted to speak to a manager. Iona does not have managers, as it is a college, so Susan-Karen said she would be speaking with administration.

“Iona is prepared to do whatever it needs to, to make students feel more at home on campus, and if we need to look more like 5thAvenue, we’ll do it,” Stewart said.