Note: This article was featured in our 2017 April Fool’s issue.

A new app is taking the technological world by storm with its new 4D feature. It claims to be on the forefront for “defending college students from the perils of procrastination.” How, you may ask? A well-timed slap to the face! “Miracle Motivator” has seen a steady rise in product sales, though that may be because any attempts to leave a negative review on the product has been met with a firestorm of lawsuits form the app’s parent company.

“Our new data array allowed us to create an app that actually allows a physical hand to reach out from your phone screen to slap you when you’re distracted while studying,” Han Solo, the CEO of Newwave Trolling Tech, said. “People are really loving it. We’re working on expanding the line to include laptop programs that punch you whenever you fall too deep into Google or YouTube.”

Colleges across the country are praising the app as the new way to get students on task. Professors have even switched from deducting points to making the downloading of the app a requirement of the class.

“I’m just really tired of students not turning in their work,” chemistry professor Walter White said. “This is a last resort.”

Is the app really worth the asking price though? The current price is $1,569.98 on app stores. “Look, it’s a little pricey, but that’s what you pay for cutting edge technology,” Solo said. “I mean sure, you could get those apps that reward you for study time, but ours is so realistic!”

Newwave Trolling Tech took an anonymous poll of Iona students, who had this to say:

“No. What even? That’s literally what I pay for the meal plan here.”

“I don’t know, it sounds like it really hurts. I wouldn’t suggest it.”

“That is literally the worst idea I’ve ever heard.”

“Who would pay for that?”

In the past, procrastination apps have had to resort to paying operatives to deliver the slap, but by then it was often delivered too late. “Miracle Motivator” allows an immediate slap to the face for the most effective delivery. Later this month the app will include a new feature: you will be able to select the speed and strength with which the slap is delivered. That’s not all, however. Newwave Trolling Tech has ambitious plans for the future.

“I want to make the hands customizable you know,” Solo said. “If you’re screwing around on Instagram, the app will take a photo of the moment you’re slapped and post it to your followers. Or for Twitter, it will automatically tweet what happened from your account.”

The app seems to be most effective through its use of pain and embarrassment to fight off distraction. Bottom line: Download this app if you never want to procrastinate again. After all, who really wants a slap in the face?