Note: This article was featured in our 2017 April Fool’s issue.

Iona College hosted a parade on Wednesday to celebrate the historic donation from one of Iona’s most prestigious alumni.

Marshal Dinero, ’66, ‘88P, ‘01H, ‘17$$, announced the amount of the historic donation at the start of the parade, an amount totaling just over $5.

“This is a truly historic donation, rivaling those of the great Rob DeRenta and Jimbob Rinds,” President Dr. William Shakespeare said after the procession. “We are so happy to add Mr. Dinero’s name to that list of legendary donors in our recent history.”

Students speculated in the days leading up to the event as to how much money would be donated and where it would go.

“The announcements seemed official, so I’m guessing some crazy amount like $10,” freshman Miley Cyrus said, who plans to major in Performance for singing, a relatively new major here. “I hope that the music department gets some money. The School of Arts and Sciences always gets included, so I hope some of the money can go to getting me internships I so totally need. Definitely. I want to be an international popstar someday. Someday. I’m not one now. Why would you ask me that? No, I’m definitely not Hannah Montana.”

Students from the business school were not so hopeful.

“The School of Arts and Science gets everything they want from the school,” junior John D. Rockefeller said. “I hope Mr. Dinero will give us some money, even, like 2 bucks would be helpful, I bet.”

The parade was introduced by the Iona Pipe Band. They led the procession around campus, following the driveway and looping the route for over an hour. Dinero brought up the back of the procession in a maroon and gold sleigh. Shakespeare was seated next to him.

The cheer team, dance team, pep band and all the sports teams joined the Pipe Band in the procession as well as most of Greek Life and Iona’s clubs.

The clubs and organizations which took part believed it was their duty as Gaels to participate in the celebration.

“Anyone who did not participate or cheer the parade is un-Gael-triotic,” senior Jay-Z said.

After the parade, Dinero was rushed to a gala to be held in the gym. The most prestigious alumni attended the Maroon Carpet event.

Diana Rose, the head entertainment reporter for ICTV hosted the Maroon Carpet Show and interviewed the alumni.

“The usual suspects were all in attendance,” Rose said in an email. “DeRenta, Rinds, even the ghost of Brother Loftus decided to stop haunting the Loftus Hall elevator for the night!”

The gala featured a speech from Shakespeare, in his usual verse, as well as reflections from students around campus.

“I was so honored to be asked to speak at the Dinero Gala,” senior Carol Credo said. “It was a great way to round out my Iona experience!”

Recent graduate Dylan Sprouse also reflected on his time at Iona.

“I would not have given up my four years at Iona for anything,” Sprouse said. “Everyone told me ‘You can’t give up acting!’ and ‘Taking a break will ruin you,’ but, ya know. I wanted to go to college for a few years, and Iona was the perfect fit for me. I hope Dinero’s donation will help students here for years to come.”

The Gala ended with a few words from Dinero, written by his recently hired personal speech writer, Joe Biden.

“I am humbled by the outpouring of gratitude from the college community and am honored to join the hallowed names of the Iona legacy,” Dinero said. “I hope to be proof that an education at Iona can lead to great things. I encourage current students to reach for the stars. I know it seems impossible now, but you too can make a name for yourself, and remember to give recognition where recognition is due and appreciate your Alma Mater.”

Senior Mikeighla McDower marveled over Dinero’s success.

“I hope that one day I’ll have enough money to give even half of what Mr. Dinero was able to give,” she said.

The money will, of course, be going to the School of Arts and Science to buy a 3-D printer for Arrigoni Library. Dinero started a fund which is expected to be able to pay for this printer in 30 years.