Note: This article was featured in our 2017 April Fool’s issue.

The Office of Safety and Security announced that traffic lights and more annoying safety improvements will begin to be installed on campus in the coming months.

The move comes after many students and staff were caught speeding through campus and going through stop signs.

“The stop signs and speed bumps do not seem to do the trick anymore,” Iona Security Director Saf Tee said.

When asked about how the traffic lights will be enforced, Tee said cameras will be installed along with the traffic lights so that it snaps photos of license plates and sends a fine in the mail.

“This move will be bound to work. Once the fines start going out, people will begin to see their bank account decline,” Tee said.

In addition to the traffic lights, new crosswalks and proper signage will be installed as well. This will make it easier for students and staff to cross, rather than having to run onto the grass. Security officers will be there to ease the flow of traffic and help the people cross.

According to college statistics, 100 vehicles have ran stop signs in the fall 2016 semester.

“This move just slows things down when commuting to campus,” senior Rihanna said. When I’m driving onto to campus to the parking garage, sometimes it takes a total of 10 minutes to go there. This will make me late to my classes.”

President Ratthew Micker fully supports the decision of the traffic changes.

“Students and staff should be patient with the decision,” Micker said. Though it may seem frustrating at first, it will make our college safer in the long run.”

Asked how the college plans to pay for all these changes, the Iona’s CFO, Warren Buffet, said that there will be an increase in tuition for the next semester.

“Whether the students like it or not, their tuition is expected to increase,” Buffet said. “A $200 safety fee will be added to each student’s bill.”

The changes are expected to be fully in place by May 1.