Iona College creates new COVID-19 vaccine


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The Iona vaccine has a remarkable 100% efficacy rate.

Margaret Dougherty, Managing Editor

*Disclaimer: This article is part of the Ionian’s April Fool’s issue and is meant solely to be a joke * Happy April Fool’s! 

Iona College recently announced that they will be rolling out the first doses of their own COVID-19 vaccine after the FDA finally granted emergency use authorization. The vaccine was created by biology students in conjunction with the chemistry and nursing departments.  

The creation of the vaccine began in January 2020, and the students have not ceased since. Unlike the employees at Pfizer, Moderna and Johnson & Johnson, the Iona vaccine team had limited resources and funds. However, the ingenuity of the students resulted in an efficient vaccine in remarkable time. 

Just like the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, the Iona vaccine requires two doses. Recipients should wait three weeks in between their shots. 

Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and chief medical advisor to President Biden, was shocked by the story of the Iona vaccine. 

“It’s really quite amazing to think that a group of students would be able to create protection against one of the worst pandemics in centuries without any funding or government assistance,” Fauci said. “It is truly one of the greatest success stories of the pandemic.” 

Clinical trials of the Iona vaccine were conducted on test dummies in the nursing labs and the efficacy rate was found to be a stunning 100%. None of the dummies contracted the coronavirus or needed hospitalization.  

There has been some public concern about the safety of the Iona vaccine considering the manner in which the trials were held and the fact that it was created by college students.  

“I don’t know if I’m willing to have a vaccine injected into my body that was not tested on a single breathing lifeform,” junior Anne Tivaxer said.  

However, health officials are assuaging the public’s unfounded fears. 

“There is no need to be worried about the Iona vaccine,” Fauci said. “The trials resulted in incredible numbers and I trust that these students know exactly what they’re doing.”  

In a ceremony last week, Killian became the first official recipient of the Iona vaccine. After Killian’s vaccination, rollout of the Iona vaccine will first be offered to all full-time students before being used on the general public.  

The Iona community is thrilled to be receiving national attention through these vaccinations and many students feel lucky to have such an opportunity. 

“I’m so blessed to be receiving the Iona vaccine next week,” sophomore Ann Tibodies said. “I hope that everyone will take this chance to get vaccinated so we can return to normalcy soon.” 

Iona students can take advantage of this special privilege by accessing the Gael Care app and selecting the “Iona vaccine” option. Appointments are currently being scheduled at Burke Lounge, the Endzone, the LaPenta School of Business and Mulcahy Gym.