Iona College announced on Monday that it will limit the amount of content included in emails sent from an Iona account.  The college’s decision comes as a result of the influx of complaints from students who note that although mailbox capacity had been increased, so has the length of emails from professors, emotional friends, or campus organizations.

“My mailbox is flooded with unnecessarily long emails,” junior Danielle Kowalski says.  “Just yesterday I got an email from my friend Jenna who wrote a 10,000 word rant about how it was ‘totally unfair for John to insult Edward Cullen in front of the whole class.’  This Week at Iona was also emailed yesterday, so my inbox is almost full to capacity!”

Kowalski’s complaints regarding This Week at Iona are shared amongst students on campus as they note that aside from the “awesome use of bright colors and great clip art,” This Week at Iona has morphed into This Ten Weeks at Iona, ensuring that students have plenty of time to purchase their plane tickets to California to watch the water polo tournament.

Yet, the students who exhibit the most excitement and joy over the college’s decisions are part of Iona’s most pompous and exclusive cult—the Honors Program. Every few weeks, honors students’ inboxes are spammed with a 500 page Iona College Honors Program newsletter from Director of the Honors Program Jeanne Zaino.

“I see that the subject line says ‘Newsletter’ and I can hear my inbox screaming,” says a sophomore honors student.  “I open it and pretty much read the ‘word of the day’ and try to find my name highlighted somewhere in the email. The only good part about the emails is that it allows me more time to procrastinate writing a Blackboard post for the Humanities book that I haven’t even opened.”

In a secret interview with the honors program slave, who wishes to remain anonymous, she relays that “After picking up Master Zaino’s dry cleaning and cooking Master Charlotte breakfast, I sit down and copy and paste the 60 emails from Master Zaino into a Word document to make the newsletter. Ultimately, the newsletter results in a 500 page document that includes This Week at Iona which is already taking up space in our inboxes.  I suggested that Master Zaino perhaps include something useful, like the week’s weather, but she told me to just do my job and not make suggestions.”

When asked about the potential problems that the new restrictions will pose on the Honors newsletter, Zaino responded via email with this message “TNWBE.”  After taking the message to a student in Zaino’s political science course, she confirmed that it is not a clue out of a Dan Brown novel, but a message that says “The Newsletter will be emailed.”

Zaino’s student notes “It looks like she’ll be sending messages in shorthand; I have Dr. Zaino this semester, so I’ve become proficient in understanding cryptic language.”

Later that day Zaino responded to her original email saying “Honors students should know that I speak in code.  That’s why they call me JZ, I speak like a rapper.”  Zaino refused to answer any more questions on the matter because she wants to maintain her “street cred.,” but honors students be forewarned: YIANS.