I don’t understand football. I get the basics: run to the end, it’s a touchdown, kick the ball over the post and it’s a field goal, but start talking about downs and yardage and I’m lost. Being Super Bowl weekend and all, I figured the least I could do was get something out of the game. Of course, I am not talking about actually learning the rules. I mean the things I learned while trying to enjoy men running after a ball that looks like Hey Arnold’s head, so here’s a guideline for all you non-football fans for any future gaming events:

There’s no such thing as a gathering without food. This means the saltiest options available. I munched on Tostitos (even though it took me two minutes to eat each one thanks to the new metal in my mouth) and snacked on homemade bean dip. If you have friends like mine, you may also find yourself enjoying fresh bananas and clementines.

Now that your appetite is being satiated, go ahead and turn the game on. You will instantly realize that sports announcers are very good at stating the obvious. “Man A, what do you think it will take for Team X to win?” “Man B, they will definitely need to make some good passes and get some touchdowns.” Well said, Man A. Thank you for your wisdom.

The referees will also notify you that there can only be 11 men on the field for each team. I learned this twice. If watching and rooting for the Giants, as I was this past weekend, keep an eye out for my favorite girl with the dragon tattoo’s dad, Mr. John Mara, who happens to be their CEO. I hope Rooney enjoys football as much as she likes Mikael Blomkvist.

As the game progresses, you might realize that the defense just wants to be loved. Hence, they provide many sneak hugs on the opposing team. You call it blocking, I call it a strong need for human connection. You will also observe that the referee tends to have a lot of screen time. Of course, you do not understand a word he’s saying, so get ready for the most important advice of the night: choose a passionate fan in the room. Once you know which team this fan is rooting for, go ahead and follow their lead. Ref just waved his arms around? Groan loudly. Is he saying a bunch of numbers that actually sound like an elementary algebra equation? Stand up and cheer. Give in and become a Woooo! Girl (see How I Met Your Mother, Season 4, Episode 8). But remember, and this is the second most important advice, never, ever overpower the fan. Let’s be serious. You don’t understand the game at all, so one wrong mistake and you may find yourself out of the room, or worse, snack-less.

If watching the Super Bowl, the most fascinating moments (asides from the ones from a seizure-inducing half-time show and realizing that the prize includes rings for each player—clearly, there are no single ladies on the field) are the commercials. This year, each 30-second spot went for $3.5 million. Those dogs and talking babies seem more valuable now, don’t they? So, go ahead and pay attention during the advertisements. Not only will you learn about the launching of new products, but you will also observe other mind-shattering news. Like the return of the Soup Nazi. Or that Rihanna is in a movie. If you get too bored, go ahead and tally the number of times you see a car/beer/semi-naked woman.

Finally, if you are near a passionate fan (see above advice), make sure to have a camera ready. Whether the news is good or bad, you’ll want to save the reaction. Trust me.

To contact The Ionian’s Ranisha Singh e-mail her at [email protected]