It’s that time of year. Your eyes are glazing over your computer screen, that is definitely drool on your chin, the amount of coffee cups you’ve bought is three times the amount of upcoming tests/papers and you are very close to crashing and burning. Finals are approaching. As if that weren’t enough, it is also time for job hunting. Whether you want a “real person job” or a summer internship, you need those resumes and applications ready to go (if they are not already).

During a car ride with my boss, we discussed horrifying resumes she has received in the past. She was amazed to see common, easy-to-fix mistakes that cost applicants a job. So, what better way to share this useful knowledge than by providing a list of things you should do if you want to be unemployed for life?! Please excuse my excessive use of punctuation…my eyes may or may not be glazing over my keyboard! Wait, I think I see drool!?! 

1. Save your resume as “Resume.” Creative title, don’t you think? And I really doubt that the Human Resources department has any other files saved on their computer with the same name. Label it “Resume” and you can guarantee your hard work will be recognized and easily found!

2. Write the name of the wrong company. “Dear Hershey, please give me the opportunity to work with you. I am sure I will be a great asset to you and the rest of the Cadbury team. Many thanks.”

3. Don’t attach your resume. Joke’s on them!

4. Provide your e-mail address from middle school. Nothing says classy and hiring-material like “[email protected]!” Seems like “[email protected]” has found its match.

5. Wear your Saturday night outfit. The line between job interview and Specs is very blurry.

6. Mention completely irrelevant past job experiences. “I am applying to be an International Journalist. You will notice that I babysat my little sister for a few years. Might I add that I changed her diapers and was quite good at it.”

7. Emoticons. Tell your future employer that you’re fun and approachable! 🙂 😕 B) :T :E

8. Have a catchy e-mail subject. Something along the lines of