After sophomore year, the idea of returning to school was daunting. During my second year at college, I experienced a deep depressive episode that lasted from October and into the summer, alongside two heartbreaks that contributed to this dark period of my life. I thought that leaving campus for the summer in May would allow me to ease my mind, but I was still heavily affected by all that I experienced during the past year and wondered if this was the right place for me.

I spent a lot of time waiting for peace to find me, while simultaneously feeling sorry for myself as I reflected on all of the bad that came my way during sophomore year. It wasn’t until August that I was able to say to myself that peace would never find me if I did not seek it out. It seemed that, up until that point, I had been waiting for somebody else to tell me that things would be okay. Once I began to seek peace for myself, though, things finally began to fall into place.

This self-growth was not as simple as telling myself that I deserve happiness. I had to genuinely believe it. My whole life, I have relied on others to bring me joy, whether that was in romantic relationships, friendships, or within my family. I have always had this idea in my head that I could only be happy so long as the world allowed me to be. When in my depressive episode, I took it as a sign from the universe that I was not allowed to feel joy. This, of course, gave me no room for growth and kept me stagnant on the road to happiness.

Sitting in sorrow will not get anyone anywhere. While it is important to feel all emotions, even the negative ones, refusing to at least make an effort to move past them will keep you trapped for as long as you allow it to. Waiting for things to get better will not get you anywhere. I had to learn this the hard way, but I am grateful that I could find my way towards finding peace on my own accord.

While finding peace, I have learned that love and respect has to come from yourself before it can come from anyone else. What I thought was love from others oftentimes turned out to be them viewing me as broken and a desire to fix me. I realized recently that I am not something to be fixed, and allowing people to treat me as such proves that they are not worth my time or energy. Allowing myself to live for me and my own happiness has changed how I view both myself and the world around me, and while I have significantly changed between sophomore and junior year, I am grateful for that change. I hope everyone out there is finding peace for themself, because you are worthy of such.