Four is an even number. There are four members of my family. My mother, my father, my brother, and me. Having dinner with my family every night was a major part of my life. It was not a rule that we had to always have dinner together, but my parents preferred it.

I remember when my mother would make our holiday guest lists, we were at the top, with that simple and perfect number four written next to “The Biestys”.

When I was little, it is not that I did not enjoy this, but I did not really understand why it was necessary. I used to want to sit in front of the TV while eating because I thought it would be so much more entertaining.

However, my whole perspective has changed since my mother passed away. I would do anything to have one more dinner at the kitchen table, with my mother, father, and brother.

My brother moved out shortly after graduating college. I was happy that he started a new chapter of his life, but my parents and I became a table of three, we still made it work though.

I do not like sitting at our kitchen table again, but for a completely different reason.  It is not right; it is so odd. So much has changed since the days when I would eagerly ask my brother what he learned in each of his classes in high school because I was so excited to grow up and be where he was.

That feels so far away in the past. We are growing up. Of course, I knew this was going to happen. I just did not want to be so fast.

Now, my brother is twenty-five and recently bought his own house with his fiancé. They have a pitbull named Maya, who I adore. I am so proud of how far everyone has come.

My father and I have made quite a comfortable dinner set up for two people. Whenever I am at school, I do miss watching X-files with him as we enjoy whatever meal is sitting on our small collapsible TV dining tables, I love it.

But I did not know life could feel so uneven. Of course, people experience sadness and a sense of confusion. However, a single number. Four, becoming three. Life feels so odd, existing as three, permanently. This was not how it was supposed to be.

And I sit here, reading over these words, still comprehending this new life with its grief and oddity.