When people ask me how I am doing, what I want to say is that I have no clue. I am in a state of shock and confusion that feels impossible to get out of.  

I feel like I’ve learned so much about everything and everyone recently, except for myself. I’m starting to feel like a stranger in my own mind. How am I? Who am I? These questions seem so simple yet so intricately complex.  

I’m at an age where many people expect me to grow up and now it’s even more difficult to understand because half of the reason why I’m here has been taken away from me.  

My mother taught, loved, and protected me. That doesn’t even scratch the surface of how much she has done. So how am I supposed to do this now without her?  

And the fact that college is the environment I’ve come back to doesn’t help. I should feel motivated. But I’m not. No matter how much I try to convince myself or others that being drowned in assignments and exams is a good distraction, it’s not. It adds more pressure.  

It’s not like I don’t think I’m incapable of doing all of this. I know I can. It’s the harsh reality that I feel exhausted and empty that hurts.  

Why do there have to be days where we just aren’t okay. How is it fair? It’s too often that we must deal with all these negative emotions with sometimes no knowledge of where they came from or what is causing them.  

I’m tired. I’m too young to feel this tired. I have many more years to face.   

All the emotions and thoughts locked up in my brain are begging to come out. Sometimes, it’s scary to let them go because you don’t know how others will react. Writing is therapeutic but it requires bravery.  

I’m happy that I feel confident enough to share some of my feelings. But it’s nerve-racking.  

Many people suggest I seek help to cope with this trauma. But the way I see it right now is that no matter how much help I get, my mother isn’t coming back.  

Being surrounded by friends is comforting. But I’m not the friend they had a year ago. Everything about me has changed and I’ve finally realized that yet. I can’t be the best version of myself right now.  

Don’t get me wrong, I know that I’ve come a long way. I know I’m strong and I am proud of my accomplishments. And I never knew how incredibly healing it is to be told “I’m proud of you” was until now.  

When you know you’re on the right track, it feels so rewarding. Because there are so many obstacles that keep on pushing you away from your goals. You need to keep getting back up and trying again.  

Because one day, you will be proud. And you’ll never want to lose that feeling.