On my fourth birthday, I remember waiting with my face and little hands pressed up against the cold glass of my front storm door. I was full of anticipation and joy, wearing the pink construction paper crown made by my pre-K teachers.  

A car finally parked on my block and out walked my father and uncle as they helped my mother get out. The second I saw her, I jumped, screamed, and giggled due to my overwhelming feeling of excitement.  

However, to be completely honest with you, I don’t fully remember why I hadn’t seen her in a long time. One thing I know for certain is that she was back from the hospital. The joy of seeing my mother after, or while, she was in the hospital would unfortunately be a common occurrence in my life. 4-year-old me just didn’t know it yet. 

I was such a happy child and making me smile or laugh was a simple task. This would last for years and as I grew up, I seemed to find more ways to seek happiness in my fortunate life.  

My mother was one of the biggest reasons behind that happiness. She brought so much light into my world. Even when my head was in the clouds, she reminded me to be prepared for the moment I realize that reality isn’t easy and I’m now so grateful she taught me that.  

If I was able to have a conversation with 4-year-old me today, I would hug her as tight as I could. I can’t imagine the amount of pain that I would feel telling her that our mother passed away on Aug. 22, 2023.  

She probably wouldn’t be able to comprehend it and I completely feel the same way now. This still doesn’t feel real sometimes. I wish I could go back in time, and experience the cheerfulness that younger me so easily carried with her. 

My mother was diagnosed with cancer in 2009. Of course, I didn’t know all the details until my parents told me at an age where I could understand it. I’m glad that I wasn’t clueless about everything. However, nothing could prepare me for what has happened now.  

Everytime I see a child with their mother, in my mind I’m telling them this:  

All the arguments you have with her won’t matter anymore because at the end of the day, she wants you to be the best version of yourself.  

Take every chance you get to hug your mother. Tell her that you love her because unfortunately, at some point, you won’t be able to.  

As harsh as that might sound, it’s the upsetting truth.  It’s hard because we grow up being told that we can control our lives and achieve our goals, which is very true. However, this was something I couldn’t control and it’s something that changed my life completely in the most desolating way.  

Dear 4 year old me, 

You were raised by the most incredible woman who loves us so much. I’m so sorry for our loss.