We’ve all seen the obnoxiously loud BMW’s skidding around campus. Does it make you feel masculine? Does it boost your testosterone levels when you rev your engine so loud it triggers the PTSD of war veterans? It surely must make you feel emasculated though when you rev your engine for a pretty girl to notice you and instead, she ignores you.  

Professors and students came to a unanimous agreement that they want to hear you rev your 2005 BMW while class is in session. It helps improve focus on the material being taught since students can hear the professors clearer – that is if their air pods aren’t already in.  

Iona has also suggested that the city of New Rochelle can remove the crosswalk and stop lights nearby campus since they serve no purpose anyway. The New Rochelle police cannot be found when sports car drivers ignore basic laws, so why trust the drivers to police themselves? The New Rochelle parking police can be found though and boy … everyone enjoys watching them place illegal parking tickets on expensive cars. No worries though! Mommy and daddy pay for it.   

As if the BMW culture at Iona College’s campus isn’t embarrassing enough, an Iona College van crashed into a white Range Rover on North Avenue, right in front of the campus’ main entrance two weeks ago. No one seems to know the inside scoop on this accident, but we can guess Iona will be using tuition money to pay for their raised insurance quotas.  

All jokes aside, a car crash is never a joke. In February 1956, three Iona college students were killed in a collision on the Bronx River Parkway, may we learn from this tragedy and practice driving safety on and off campus.  

DISCLAIMER!!! This article was intended for comedic relief ONLY as it was apart of the Ionian’s April Fool’s Day issue.